.....or just bloody well getting on with shit!
Howdy y'all!! Did ya miss me??? Hope so ;) Where have I been?? Well, that would be telling wouldn't it!! hahahah Where haven't I been that last two days!! Metaphysically, that is! Well, kinda........let's just say that the passed two days have definitely given me plenty to write about today!! ;)
There was loadsa Kitchen Witchery going on, making soups, pie, curry and Woof food...oh and crumble!!! So, busy busy in the kitchen!! Family 'round yesterday for dinner and watching the odd crimbo film (I'm a sucker for those!!!). All good stuff!! There was an experience that we had on Saturday though which brought me back round to an issue I used to struggle with A LOT.....
For a large part of my life I really struggled with not being able to be me - in whatever way, shape or form that took, from loving to sing and being told to shut up or that I couldn't sing, to knowing that inside I was a teacher, but my shyness was crippling so making myself vulnerable in front of people was a no-no - a nicht-nicht ;) Even being honest with myself about being a Witch took years (I knew from a very young age that the Moon and Witches went hand in hand (I would get the Moon shining in my bedroom window - it would keep me awake at night!) and somehow that scared me, but then there was no-one around me to teach me about Witchcraft!). I spent a long time as a small child just not talking and the only time I smiled was when I was sitting on a horse! I guess I started out not trusting people!!! And this continued.....and I built walls.....HUGE fucking castle walls which nobody could get through, each time I got hurt it added a couple more feet to the already thick barricade and reinforced my secure belief that no-one was to be trusted and, in the words of Simon & Garfunkel (one of my favourites musical talents then and now) "I AM A ROCK, I AM AN ISLAND" It was my mantra!!......
I sure was an island! I felt alone, isolated, bitter, angry, sad....certainly NOT happy! And it was fucking miserable!!! I was miserable! Jeeez, a little melancholia is good for the soul, however, I was in deep! I wasn't just behind the ten foot medieval castle wall, I was in the dungeon, under the castle, behind the ten foot medieval wall. I can even remember being proud to tell people "I don't cry"! WOW!! Nothing going out and nothing coming in. Because when you make yourself invulnerable, impervious to attack, you cut off everything....EVERYTHING! Bad stuff (define bad anyway!) but also the good stuff, because there IS duality out there (it's not all rainbows and unicorns!!!), light and dark, positive and negative, Sun and Moon, und so weiter.
And so I went about my life this way (with some paths leading part-way to being open-hearted, but never quite fully), until I had my son and the biggest changes happened, because it was crucial to me that I didn't want my son to feel those things I'd felt as a child! There was still something I was not quite stepping into though, even through my Yoga path and training I still wasn't quite there!! Then one evening I stumbled across Brené Brown and her Tedtalk on Vulnerability.......and oh my bloody god.......that night I felt the BIGGEST change inside myself (even topped the Kundalini awakening I once had!!) of completely opening up and expanding from the heart......(now when I was a kid I had had the same feelings but always thought it was claustrophobia!!!)......at first I panicked BIG time, but I breathed through it and got through to the other end!
On the other side things looked soooo very different!! Another world!! And, yes....you guessed it....I STILL fought it!!! Oh, please!!! Seriously??!! YES, seriously!! I was now in conflict between a place of love and peace VS fear and turmoil!!! And it showed!!! :D.............
part two tomorrow :)
Bright Sunshiny Day Blessings!!